F.O.M.O

Some days are worse than others.

Fear of missing out on what? A headache? Vomiting? Feeling like absolute dog shit and sleeping half the day? Getting upset, angry, or saying things you don't mean?

Why would I miss that?

It isn't those times I miss. As a former alcoholic, I dealt with my emotions by binge drinking. If I was anxious, I drank. If I was sad, I drank even more. If I was happy, I drank a shit ton. Most days, it didn't matter what I was doing, I had a drink. So if I miss anything, it is getting to dull those emotions of fear, anxiety, self-doubt. That is luxury I CHOOSE to no longer have.

Now, I have to really sit with my emotions and work through them. My senses are not dulled to my anxiety, so I have to do mental work every day. Some days, it is rough. Some days I have to do a lot of deep breathing. Today, I meditated twice because my puppy was testing every patience fiber I have in my body.

The other day I had such severe anxiety in the grocery store line. I have no idea why but that line gives me the WORST anxiety. I could feel myself turning red, which only makes me more red. I feel like every person in the store is judging my cart, even though this is completely irrational thinking. No one cares about your peanut butter cookies Anndrea.

I did my best today to work through my emotions, and I focused on doing things that make me happy. When I do this, it acts as mini therapy sessions for me. I ask myself what I have control over, and then I just take action. I made a mocktail. I made kale chips. I took Gus for a walk. I ate pizza. I meditated and journaled. I helped Sean's mom in the garden and picked her brain about everything growing in the greenhouse. All of these things not only release healthy, good endorphins but they take away the thought of drinking.

I want to end tonight with a little something that just happened. Before writing this, I got out of the shower to find cat food and poop all over the spare bedroom by the bathroom. All I could hear was, "Gus, what did you do?...." There was zero anger. As Sean's mom and I cleaned up the mess of the messes that puppies make, I said, "Looks like Gus knocked down the cat food and scared the shit out of himself." We laughed so hard we cried.

This lifestyle has allowed me to let go of so much anger and just LIVE life. Not sweat the small stuff. When shit (literally) happens, to just take a breath and deal with it. This is the kind of life I want to continue to live.