The Truth

On a daily basis, part of my healing process is reflecting on why I drank in the first place.

When I was first introduced to alcohol my senior year of high-school, drinking was purely to fit in. I know for certain that I did not like the taste. My first shot made me gag. I didn't really like the way it made me feel either, but all my friends drank so I thought, "Why not?"

You should also know that throughout middle school and high-school I was a very competitive bowler. My sophomore year I started working at the bowling alley and most of the adults drank beer while they bowled. Most of them would say they performed better once they had a few beers in them. It helped them relax. I guess what I am trying to say is that for years I saw adults drink, so it couldn't be that bad right? The classic do as I say not as I do. They were safe. We were not.

When I graduated and moved to college, there was still exposure to alcohol on a regular basis. Friends with boyfriends that were old enough to buy it would bring it to the dorm or I would go to parties with friends where it was available in abundance. So I suppose, as I was reaching the legal age, the more and more excited I got about being able to buy a drink. I was excited to poison myself. Society tells us to go get hammered the day we turn 21.

From the time I turned 21 until the time I started nursing school at 28, I was a pretty heavy drinker. I partied a lot. I didn't really do much without having a drink. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was setting myself up for a world of hurt. I was slowly destroying my body and suppressing my immune system. Alcohol would end up making me very, very, ill.

When I got accepted to nursing school I did my best to cut back on drinking, but at this point I was already addicted. I was going to school full-time and working two jobs so I wasn't able to drink as much as I was used to. The problem with not drinking frequently is that I started to binge drink. I would binge wine while I studied the night before a test. I would binge wine and beer after I passed a test to celebrate. I would binge drink on the weekends when I felt like I finally had a little break. Spring break and summer break from school? Forget it, I was hammered.

I shifted from a party girl to a medical professional with a binge drinking problem very quickly, and it did not get better once I started working as a nurse. It only got worse. You see, if no one has told you this, nursing is an extremely stressful career. It is taxing mentally, physically, emotionally, and if you aren't in a good space it can really take a toll on your body and mind.

I was not in a good space. I was working night shift and could not get down a good routine. I had trouble sleeping during the day so I was going to work 12 hour shifts exhausted. I started drinking copious amounts of beer in the morning after work just so I could try and get 4-5 hours of sleep just to go do it all over again. Saying I was completely burnt out would be an understatement. Then, I started to get sick. Every 3 months for 2 years, I would get severe sinus infections that would lead to bronchitis. I would be sick on the couch for days, sometimes even weeks at a time.

Ultimately, I ended up quitting my job as a nurse. I came back to the profession and discovered a specialty I love, but that's a whole other post for another day. I was convinced that the stress and anxiety from being a nurse in the hospital was the reason I was sick. I was wrong. Once I got better, I would pull myself off the couch and be right back to the bar. Right back to the same old routine that got me stuck in the doctor's office in the first place.

It took me over 2 years to find a holistic doctor that finally told me the truth about the destruction that alcohol was doing to my body. I was deficient in vitamins and minerals. My thyroid levels were off. My hormones were all out of whack. I had a severely resistant infection that showed up on my nasal swab because my immune system was too weak to fight it off. I was 40 lbs overweight for my height. I was depressed. I was anxious.

I was dying.

I think the biggest lesson that I have learned from all of this is that without alcohol I feel more alive than I ever did with it. Being sober allows me to live my life in a way that would have never been possible with a hangover or a glass of wine in my hand. I not only have been able to show up for myself, but I can show up for others. I am a better friend. A better sister. A better daughter. A better nurse. A better spouse. A better dog mom. A better coach.

This is my promise to you. Alcohol will never steal my life from me again. Don't let it rob another second from you either. We all have the power to choose to live a better life. Alcohol is an addictive substance that tries to tell you you need it, but I promise you you don't.

You don't need wine to be a good mom. You don't need beer to enjoy a sporting event. You don't need champagne to celebrate your wedding or new job. You don't need to get plastered for your bachelor/bachelorette party or your 21st birthday. The only thing that says you do need that is society, and I hate to be the one to tell you this, but they are wrong. Alcohol isn't going to make anything better, we just are convinced by the media and society to think it will.

Do me a favor. Next time you go out somewhere and you would normally order a drink, order a soda water, cranberry, and lime. Keep your senses intact and see how much you actually enjoy what you are doing without consuming a drop of alcohol. It really is a freeing feeling to see that it's not the booze you enjoy. Then when you wake up the next morning hangover free and memories of the good time you had, send me a message and let me know how you feel. I promise you will not regret it.