Hitting Rock Bottom

You know that man you see sitting on the side of the road with a bottle in a brown paper bag? He didn't get there overnight. Everyone who struggles with addiction has a story. This is mine.

I have suffered with terrible anxiety since I was in middle school. I remember breathing into brown paper bags in the living room as my mom tried to calm me down. I didn't know it at the time but I was an empath (which I learned once I got sober) and had terrible social anxiety. I started dabbling in drinking my senior year of high school, and that didn't go away when I moved to college at 18.

When I turned 21, I got drunk. That is what society says to do right? I continued to drink throughout my twenties, still trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I really do love people, but being in social settings gave me the worst anxiety. Instead of avoiding those situations, I would go, and just drink more. It got to the point where some days I would drink at home until 4am and get up for work at 6am. One time a customer at work complained to my manager that I smelt like alcohol.

When I started nursing school, I didn't have as much time to drink or party like I used to, but I started using alcohol differently. Instead of using it to calm my anxiety, I used it to calm stress and fears. I turned to wine as my go to drink. I had wine with dinner. I had wine after tests. I had wine just to have wine because I "liked the taste."

It wasn't until after I graduated nursing school and started working as a nurse that the abuse I had done to my body with alcohol started catching up with me. I started to get sick. Alot. I would get severe, crippling, sinus infections and bronchitis every 2-3 months. This went on for almost 3 years.

After my first year of nursing, I quit. I called my mom from the parking garage, attempting to get in words in between my sobs. I told her, "I can't do this anymore." I felt in my heart that I chose the wrong career path. I also believed that the stress and anxiety I felt from work was the reason I was sick all the time.

I went back to what I knew as a veterinary technician. I worked at a speciality clinic for about 8 months, and then I got hit with reality. I hit my true rock bottom. That's right, I got fired. Can you guess what I did that night? That's right; I got drunk. Really, really drunk. I had countless beers and close to 15 shots in a very short amount of time. I called my best friend crying on the bathroom floor telling her how much of a loser I was. I was vomiting and dry heaving as my body was trying to save me from myself.

You see, most employers have a policy on your attendance. I believe this company allowed for 5-7 sick days per year. I had well exceeded this number within my first 3 months of being employed.

My sister, who didn't even know I was struggling with alcohol, convinced me to give nursing another try. I trusted her, so I did. I don't know why I decided on home health, but I got a job and started to feel like maybe nursing was the right choice for me again.

I started taking care of a gentleman about one year into my work as a home health nurse. If my math is correct, this means that I already had about 5-6 doctor visits before showing up to their home in a mask. This man and his wife were so kind and caring and asked why I was wearing a mask. I proceeded to tell them about my constant illness and how depressing it was. They didn't know it, but they were about to change my life.

They told tell me about a holistic doctor they saw for their allergies and chronic autoimmune issues. He wasn't cheap, but they said if something was wrong with me, he would fix it. I knew in my heart, this was it. This would be the doctor that would help me get better. I booked an appointment the very next day.

I will share more on Dr. Kalidas tomorrow. For today, I just want you to remember that sometimes it is our darkest times that change our life and bring joy and light. Being an alcoholic is what brought me here, sharing my story with you today. Struggling with my health, mentally and physically for so many years, is what allows me to now help others with theirs. If a door closes for you, know that something far better is going to open up. Be brave and walk through that new door. It just might save your life.